5 Days of Stank

Like Willie Nelson’s hit Jeff and I were on the road again, this time to Monck Provincial Campground, about 30 minutes outside of Merritt, BC. We were setting up camp for five nights to attend the Rockin River Country Music Festival, formerly known as the Merritt Mountain Music Festival. By "we," I mean I was jamming to some tunes on my speaker while good ole Jeff did all the heavy lifting. 

The first order of business after setting up camp? Scoping out the bathroom situation. And guess what? No showers! Of course, five days in 40-plus-degree weather with no showers. I had checked the government website before our trip, and it promised wheelchair-accessible bathrooms. But, as luck would have it, we were hooped. So, we accepted defeat, huddled around the campfire to roast our marshmallows, and started planning our festival escapades.

It was August 2017, and the main reason for my excitement? None other than the iconic Willie Nelson was headlining the last night. Seeing Willie was on my bucket list. Also headlining were Toby Keith, Aaron Pritchett, and The Band Perry. It was shaping up to be a whole lotta good country music.

As we rolled onto the festival grounds, I quickly realized the terrain was bumpier than a cowboy's rodeo ride. Not exactly wheelchair-friendly, but hey, they had wheelchair-accessible porta-potties. So… almost, guys.

I sported a black felt Jack Daniels cowboy hat, a choice I soon regretted in the blistering heat. The first night, Canadian country artists took the stage, headlined by BC's own Aaron Pritchett. After his electrifying performance, the night ended on a high note, and we were pumped for the days ahead.

Day two was just as hot, so we made a beeline for a patio with water-mister fans. While cooling down, a couple of girls in Daisy Dukes asked Jeff and I if we wanted to join a giant Jenga drinking game by the river. Jeff declined, and as they walked away, one girl playfully yanked up the other's Daisy Dukes, giving us an unexpected glimpse of the moon. Unfortunately, I was facing the wrong direction to get a gander.

Maybe these are those girls, hard to say as I was facing the other way.

Budweiser, being the festival sponsor, handed out their new non-alcoholic beer called Prohibition. The cheapskate in me took full advantage, and we sipped on those near-beers all day.

That night, Toby Keith was headlining. Now, I prefer bluesy, old-school country, but Toby Keith is my guilty pleasure. Before his set, Jeff offered me another near-beer, and I finally confessed, "Jeff, I don't like beer. Never have." His shock was palpable, given my room's collection of craft beer bottles and beer books. I had always thought drinking beer was the manly thing to do. But at 25, I realized if I didn't like it by now, I probably never would. This made Toby Keith's song "Beers Ago" feel a bit awkward.

What’s this guy looking at?

Toby's set started with a video of him driving a Ford truck in a zombie apocalypse, he was driving around picking up people and saving them from the  Zombies—essentially a 20-minute-long Ford commercial. It was very laughable, but I bet you he made some serious bank for that ad. Once he got going, it was an awesome show!

The next day, we found respite with the patio fan misters again. Midday, a band who was there as they were under Toby Keith’s label Waterloo Revival took the stage. Their Texan pride was evident as they said  “We are from Texas, and in Texas we play real country music, 'cause we are from Texas.” but when they declared, "We are gonna sing a song every country fan knows," and launched into Smash Mouth's "All Star", the crowd's collective eye-roll was almost audible.

Back at the main stage, we encountered a couple hogging the designated wheelchair area. Jeff, being the little bitch that he is, had to ask a towering behemoth staff member to intervene. After a polite request for them to leave, the Karen duo refused, resulting in the staffer coolly tossing the couple's chairs over the fence and walking away nonchalantly. I wish I had gotten his name, as I would grab a beer with that guy—if I liked beer.

The Washboard Union's set was a blast, with a giant beach ball bouncing through the crowd. It looked as if they were having as much fun as everyone in the audience. Which is exactly what you want to see at a festival performance. 

Next up was The Band Perry, who chose to play Jay-Z and Kanye West's "N****s in Paris" before their set at a country festival. The crowd's confusion was tangible, as a lot of the audience was in their sixties and only at the festival for the same reason I was – to see Willie. So many people left. I stuck around, but it wasn't their best performance, I wanted to give them a chance in hopes that it would get better. I am ashamed to say this but when I realized it was not getting better I joined the exodus.

Forest fires in BC cast a smoky haze over the festival, which in hindsight, was a blessing in disguise in the scorching heat, and helped camouflage Willie’s trailer. But nothing dampened my excitement for Willie Nelson. When the lights dimmed and Big Willie took the stage, I was ecstatic, much like a kid who was told he was going to Disneyland.

Big Willie

Willie was higher than Mount Everest, though would you expect anything less from Willie as he was playing in a butt-hole small town like Merritt BC. During his performance, he spoke his lyrics rather than sang them, and his guitar playing was slow and sloppy. It was a letdown, but an interesting experience nonetheless and I was still glad that I went.

And that's how we rocked the river, country-style, with a little help from Willie Nelson, Toby Keith, and a whole lot of near-beer. Willie Nelson is still on my bucket list of people to see, because I don’t think that counted.

The next morning, we packed up and headed home. As we pulled into the driveway, my dad came out to greet us but quickly turned away after getting a whiff of our five-day, shower-less adventure. He then said “It smells like you haven’t showered in a week” and I promptly replied with “it’s a long story”.