MY VERY VERY VERY BEST FRIEND EVER
I would like to Dedicate this post to my best friend, the Bert to My Ernie, Keegan Nielsen. He passed away in July of 2021 and I will miss him forever.
Now, this is a story all about how
My life got flipped-turned upside down
And I'd like to take a minute
Just sit right there
I'll tell you how I became friends with a kid in a chair.
Keegan Nielsen was the one person who truly did flip-turn my life upside down. And even though he has been gone a little over two years I still remember and feel the impact he had on me, along with some great memories I want to share with you all.
Keegan was the first person I met in Kindergarten, and we had remained best friends ever since. We were inseparable and would hang out as much as possible. As long as I had known him it was obvious, Keegan had a passion for stories and an imagination like no other. On several occasions, I would spend weeks in a row at his place. I remember when we were 5,6,7 years old, we stayed awake hours into the night while our juvenile minds concocted stories. What was once our Power Rangers rip-off over time developed into a sci-fi novel that Keegan is the author of and had published. Thir13en: A Tale of Two Brothers is the title if you want to check it out. All through his 20’s, he would spend hours writing that book. Fun Fact, because of Keegan's disability he had to peck at the keyboard letter by letter to write out the novel of 200 plus pages. I would always call him Mushroom because he would stay in his room on his computer for god knows how long.
But enough bragging about his dedication to his novel and his extraordinary imagination and storytelling. I’m making him out to be a saint, but he was an asshole, and the next story will prove it.
I should start with Jeff (yes, that one) worked with Keegan for 3 years before he worked with me. Jeff and I were on the road going to Langley, B.C. when Keegan’s brother sent us both a text letting us know that Keegan had passed. Through tears, we were both sharing stories and memories that meant a lot to us. What a buzz kill. Jeff said to me after a couple of Minutes of silence “I suppose I can tell you this now because he is gone and I am sure he would want you to know.”... I was hoping he was going to say that Keegan had left me buried treasure or something. But what he revealed was far more precious than treasure. He proceeded to tell me that Keegan was the mastermind of a fantastically adolescent prank.
Let me go back in time to explain. Back in 2016, I received a package in the mail. It was a package of gummy penises that simply read Bag of Dicks. It was sent anonymously. The first person I thought of who would send me this was, of course, Keegan. When I asked him, however, he laughed and said, “No, dude, I wish I could take credit for that.” I wouldn't have believed him but everybody else I asked had the same response. Every once in a while the bag of dicks came into conversation as I still had no idea who sent it. He asked me if I ended up eating the bag of dicks, I replied with “Hey Man, candy is candy”
Now back to Jeff and me on our drive to Langley…I laughed and told Jeff, “Oh my god I have something to tell you.” I elaborated that a few months after the bag of dicks showed up, I got another anonymous package in the mail. This time it was a candle that said Apple Pie, and it came with a note reading, sorry for the bag of dicks, I hope this makes up for it. Because I am at least a little bit smart I immediately googled the candle and found out that it smelled like apple pie on the top layer of the candle but underneath it smelled like farts.
I had placed the candle on my desk where it sat for a couple of years until one winter night I had to call my dad down in the middle of the night for an unrelated issue. My dad smelled an egg/fart-like odor and thought it was a possible natural gas leak. He was going in and out of the crawlspace of our house trying to figure out what could be happening. The crawlspace access is through my bedroom. But whenever he went into the crawlspace the natural gas odor would go away. Just to be safe my Dad proceeded to wake up everybody that was in the house and told us all to evacuate the house. We all ended up sitting in my van in the freezing cold weather, where we waited for the gas leak people (I don't know what you call them) to come.
Once they arrived and looked around they determined there was no gas leak. After they had given the all-clear, we all headed back inside. Upon further investigation, my Dad discovered the candle on my desk. I never told Keegan this embarrassing moment. He would have loved to know the chaos he created that winter night. Asshole!
The next memory I would like to share is one of my favorites. I should preface this tale by mentioning that Keegan was born with a rare form of Muscular Dystrophy, so he had been in a power chair years before I had met him. In grade one, our Teacher had gotten all of the students to write a little blurb about the friends they had. I had written about my “VERY VERY BEST FRIEND EVER” Keegan. I mentioned how we would play Nintendo together all the time and go for walks together…well, rolls. I ended by saying “I LOVE TO RIDE ON HIS WHEELCHAIR. I WISH I HAD ONE” This was before I was diagnosed with FA. The moral of the story is to be careful what you wish for.
Keegan, Buddy, I know wherever you are now you are still laughing about the fart candle and like my 19th Birthday card from you…Fuck you! I love you Brother!
